I was going to say I'm stressed but I think it's beyond that. I think I'm one more minute of thinking about my life from having a complete melt down.
I'm in a constant battle with myself. I know I need to be strong and not let the inevitable get to me. I know that certain things I can't control. None of that changes the fact that I feel like I am on a train ride to hell.
What I mean is that I feel like I can't control anything and everything sucks. I can't help but feel like the main stress in my life is the marine corps. I hate that they are taking my husband away for a year. I hate that he might miss the birth of our first child by one week because he will be in transit to war. I hate that our lease is up in January but I can't move home until March. I really hate that this has crossed my mind but I really hate that my husband didn't discuss joining the marine corps with me before joining. I thought I was over it but with all of this new hell I'm being put through I can't help but think about how the only reason we have to deal with this is because he wanted to join and to this day hasn't given me a straight answer as to why.
I expected hard times once he joined the military, I never expected this.
My mind is going in a million directions right now that I can't even get this post out. I'm writing but my mind is jumbled and I feel like I have so much to say but no idea how to say it.
I took a shower today and just stood there for 30 minutes crying. I feel so alone right now.
I'm paranoid about when Abigail is going to decide to come, if she's growing properly, whether I will be able to have a natural birth or need a cesarean section, and how I"m going to handle everything after she's here. Whenever I try to talk to Jon about it I usually get nothing but one thing he actually has expressed a concern for is the fact that he does not want to cut the umbilical cord. YEA. I'm worried about him even being there and he's worried about having to cut the umbilical cord.
As I said, totally alone.
Today really made me realize how miserable this is all making me. I don't know what to do. I know once I'm home for Christmas I'll be a lot more relaxed but as soon as we head back here I'm going to start freaking out again.
Part of me wishes I could just move home now and have a lot less to worry about. I know it's not possible, I can't fix any of this.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
=(
ReplyDeleteI just want to hug you.
Freaking out before a major deployment (while pregnant) is totally normal. Feeling lonely is like the worst feeling ever. Im sorry you are feeling like this and I hope it gets better soon. Have you told hubs all of this?
ReplyDeleteIve talked to him multiple times about how I feel and he usually isn't very helpful. I know he tried to be by saying dont worry about what you can't control but that's the very reason im worrying. It doesn't help that he seems like nothins a big deal ever.
ReplyDelete