100 Facts

A lot of bloggers are doing this 100 facts about themselves thing so I figured I would join in.

I will do this in 4 different posts but don't get upset if I don't follow up after this first one. 100 facts is an awful lot after all!

1. My name is Breanna. I don't know if anyone knows my actual name so I'll throw that one out there first. 
2. All my family members' names start with a B. Brenda, Bill and Billy. (Mom, dad and brother).
3. I'm a mom and I absolutely love it. 
4. We named our daughter after my grandmother. 
5. I love sports. 
6. I played volleyball in high school and college and I miss it terribly. 
7. I danced for 12 years and I really hope Abigail wants to dance as well. 
8. I'm trying my hardest to be strong during this deployment. 
9. My weakness is my husband's smile. Whenever he smiles my heart melts. 
10. I love my dog like a child. 
11. I hated being pregnant. If we could skip the 9 months and just get our beautiful baby I would be so much happier. 
12. I love country music. No, I Love LOVE LOVE country music. 
13. My husband shaved his head and grew a stache on this deployment and I actually like it.
14. I watch American Idol but I don't vote. 
15. I still yell at America for getting it wrong.
16. I have a screaming baby in my arms and I'm still smiling.
17. I get really tired while driving more than 30 minutes. 
18. I love Disney movies, mostly the princess movies. 
19. Princess Diaries and it's sequel are two of my favorite movies ever. 
20. I probably put way too much pressure on myself to look perfect. Knowing my husband thinks I'm beautiful is really important to me. 
21. I've tried really hard to become a completely different person than I used to be. It's important to me to be the best form of myself possible. 
22. I would love to be a house wife. 
23. I mumble when I talk and didn't realize it until recently. 
24. I have an amazing husband and am very thankful that he is mine. 
25. I am an animal lover. If I could adopt all of the stray or abused animals in the world I would. 

Deployment Bull Donkey

Before you go through a deployment you imagine how hard it will be to be away from your husband or significant other. I never thought of the other things that prove to be challenging.

First of all I cannot stand that I need a stupid Power of Attorney to do EVERYTHING. I can't get out daughter enrolled in Tricare without it. That makes me feel like I'm not even her parent. Want to hear something even more lame? My husband got locked out of OUR JOINT bank account online because he got his log in info wrong too many times and I can't even call USAA and get him unlocked. Want to know why? Because we have separate online log in info and since I'm not him I can't have them fix this without the stupid POA. No joke. Probably the dumbest thing I have ever heard of.

Like seriously, what difference does it make? I can tell them his log in username and password so if it was unlocked I would be able to access it anyways. He is deployed and can't do this himself and since this account is OUR JOINT account I should be able to do this. STUPID!!!

BUT since it's necessary I faxed them the POA. Guess what? It takes 2-3 WEEKS to get processed in order for me to be able to do anything.

Now you might be thinking how this isn't a problem since I still have my log in info. Well I thought so too, until I remembered I can't access his USAA credit card info with my log in I need his. And by the time this stupid thing gets processed his monthly payment on the credit card will be past due.

I HATE USAA!!!! HATE HATE HATE HATE YOU!!!!

And I NEVER say hate. That is how serious I am right now.

So frustrated.

So anyways, point of this post is that sure, missing your husband makes deployment extremely tough but that's not all. There are so many things that make spouses feel inferior and a ton of things that we aren't even allowed to do without written permission from our husbands. LAME.

Small town, small people.

First of all let me make it very clear that I love my family and being around them, especially during this deployment and with baby girl. With that said here comes the rest of this post.

I HATE IT HERE!

I live in a super small town where you can leave for years at a time and once you come home everything and everyone is exactly the same. I don't know how I forgot this fact, or maybe I just convinced myself that people would actually grow up and better themselves. Well they didn't.

I have only seen 3 of my friends from before I moved since I've been here. I swear it was like stepping back in time. They are still in the same stages of life that they were when I left. That's not a problem though. People progress at different stages I suppose.

The problem is all of the small town drama around here. It's like I come home and instead of going to college I went to middle school or high school.

I mean seriously, I should not be this nervous to go out in public and run into someone I graduated with or anyone for that matter. People know me even if I don't know them. Heaven forbid I go out to the post office quick in my sweat pants and a pony tail and someone sees me. Then within an hour everyone thinks I'm depressed and helpless because my husband is deployed. Give me a friggin break. I have a baby who doesn't let me sleep at night let alone give me the time to look pretty to go to the darn post office.

The one thing I was really looking forward to having while I was home was a complete disconnect from anything military. I don't like seeing the big billboards down by base that say welcome home or all of the signs either. It's a depressing thing when you know you still have a good year before your husband is coming home.

Unfortunately I can come all the way back to this tiny little town in NY and still run into not just military insignia, but actual marines and marine reminders. I don't mind running into marines. It's kind of sweet since the one I did see was clearly straight out of boot camp. It kind of made me giggle because he looked so excited and proud with his eagle globe and anchor sweat shirt. I just don't want to be in a sad mood and then see military couples together. Makes me want to throw up just thinking about it.

I know, I'm a debby downer. I have permission, from myself.

Anyways, rolling back in to make my point, it sucks that I can't even come home to a town that has no idea what it's like to be in our position and still get crap for it. It's one thing when you are surrounded my marine wives, you are guaranteed to get judged on your progress throughout this deployment as well as advice whether you want it or not. But being home where people don't even know the difference between the army and the marine corps? Who would have thought.

I have seriously been told that people think I just put on a happy face while I'm in public but that I really bawl my eyes out constantly while at home. Yes ignorant people of Fonda. I keep a smile on to please you and then I come home and immediately start crying and don't stop for, oh let's say 6 or 7 hours. I'm just so depressed, wah.

Give me a break. I get to talk to my husband at least once a day on the phone and lately it's been multiple times on the internet as well. He has a desk job he's not infantry. If you are going to tell people how I'm feeling and acting at least give me some damn credit and don't make me sound like I'm a wife of a WWII marine.

Ah. I feel better. I love this blog. It's like my fingers are magical stress relievers.

More pain please.

Sometimes I wonder if I just enjoy pain.

I called my dentist just to schedule my cleaning and ended up scheduling to get 2 of my wisdom teeth out.

I got them out today and it wasn't bad at all. It's been like 2 hours now and my numbness is gone and it's just achy. I'm hoping it just stays like this because it's really not too awful.

I've just been thinking about all the crap I've gone through lately. A c section, mastitis, and now getting all my wisdom teeth out. The next 2 will be in a couple weeks.

Anyways, baby girl is doing good. I'm still in a lot of pain from the mastitis but I'm doing ok. Missing my husband as usual but I'm very lucky with communication. We get to talk every day sometimes more than once a day. Very VERY thankful.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm sorry I don't post often or comment on anyones blogs. Obviously I've been ridiculously busy. Hopefully I can get back in my groove eventually.

Until the next time,

Mastitis

So I have mastitis. It sucks but I'm finally on an antibiotic so hopefully it gets kicked out of my system. For the time being I'm pretty miserable.

To top it all off I have to get 2 of my wisdom teeth ripped out tomorrow morning. Wah :-(

I'm still alive

Hey all. It's been a couple days but I haven't forgotten.

Baby girl and I are safe and sound back home in NY. I'm exhausted still from the trip home and all the unpacking and organizing I've been doing. Not to mention baby girl's long list of demands. She has been sleeping pretty good at night though. She eats every 3 hours but goes right back to sleep after so I'll take it. She really loves her crib.
I wouldn't be able to put her into her bassinet without her being completely zonked out but I can lay her in her crib wide awake and she will be passed out within minutes. It's like a miracle crib.

Will the hectic schedule I've been living the past week or so I have been pumping and using formula as well so that her feedings are quicker and other people can help out while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off. Unfortunately I think that may have back fired on me. My right boob has a couple really painful lumps in it and I think it's definitely because I haven't been pumping as much as I should. I usually do it once a day which I know is awful.

I'm going to make an appointment with a doctor soon because at this point I feel like just ripping my boob off. It's incredibly uncomfortable and really painful at times. Hopefully it isn't something really dangerous and can be easily fixed.

Tomorrow I have to go to Scotia to set up baby girl with deers and tricare. After that I should be able to make both of us doctors appointments.

Let's see, what else is there to catch you up on. Papa bear is doing good. I've heard from him almost every day which helps a lot. I'm really looking forward to our first skype date. Hopefully it will be soon.

Oh, I need some help with something. I am trying to figure out financial aid so I can start college again. I have looked into MyCAA but it looks as if they won't put money towards a bachelor's degree. Am I right? If not please help me figure it out.

And I would really appreciate any info on scholarships for spouses.

Here are some pics since I've left you in the dark for a while.

Just checking in

Well it's Tuesday. I leave NC on Thursday afternoon. Tomorrow I am having the carpets cleaned and the chimney inspected. Yea, we have to get the stupid thing inspected. We never used it. Lame.

Anyways, I have almost my entire house packed up. Our storage unit is packed with everything that will be going in there. All that's left are the little things that are coming to NY with me and the kitchen things that are going to be thrown out most likely. Like paper plates, cups and such.

Tomorrow I have to clean out my bedroom and bathroom and the two guest rooms so the carpets can get cleaned. Then clean the rest of the house so I can finally get the heck out of here. Once the house is cleaned my mom, baby girl and I are going to a hotel for the night. We have inspection Thursday morning and then Baby Girl's 2 week appointment in the afternoon. After that we can finally head back to NY.

I can't wait to be home.

Oh. And for your viewing pleasure... here are pictures of me a week after having baby girl.

I probably wont be back here until I am in NY. Maybe, maybe not. Talk to you soon.

The Deployment Secret...

Either no one told me this or I am the first to discover it. If it's the first one, you are all jerks. (JK) If it's the second one then hold onto your hearts because I've figured out the secret to getting through a deployment.

Want to know? It's hearing from your man. Duh right? Well since I didn't expect to hear from him until at least sometime late tonight I was in all sorts of happiness when I got a phone call from one of our friends telling me to get online because my hubby was on!

They had stopped in Germany and he paid for 30 minutes of internet time so we could talk. I hung up the phone and sprinted to my computer. All I had been thinking about all day was how I wish I could just talk to him. I even sent him a FB message earlier just so it at least felt like I was talking to him (I do that a lot). So my wish was granted.

I am on cloud 9 today. He said that we should be able to talk again tonight so I'm glued to my phone for the day (as if I wouldn't have been anyways).

So there it is. I heard from him and all the little pieces of my world that got shattered when he got on that bus were put back and duct taped together tight. I can do this.

We Love You Papa Bear<3

I miss him

I can't believe how hard this is turning out to be. I know that the first couple weeks are difficult until the routine starts but being a single mom is hard.

I look at baby girl and she looks just like my husband so then I start thinking about him and then come the tears. Thankfully my hormone level has subsided so I can usually hold my tears back instead of randomly crying uncontrollably.

I know eventually it will get easier but right now all I can think about is not having him to help me raise our daughter for this first year of her life. It hurts.

We need you.

Well that was painful.

This morning I woke up at 2:45 to head to base to send my husband off to Afghanistan. He didn't leave until 6 and I'm proud to say I held my tears in until around 5:30. The boys went outside for a momentous cigar and while we were standing there I couldn't hold it in anymore.

Thankfully my husband being who he is quickly cracked a joke so I could go from crying to laughing.

As soon as he got on the bus he started in with his humor getting all the guys laughing. It didn't stop until they left the parking lot. I wish I could cope with sadness like him. Instead I just ball my eyes out and listen to sad country music the entire way home.

Sure, I could have changed the channel but there is something that just feels right about music fitting the mood...even if that mood is depressing.

I'm thankful that my last view of him before he left he was laughing so hard I'm pretty sure he was crying.

Overall though it was easier than I expected. I think mainly because he made it that way. Whether he realizes it or not he always makes things easier for me.

I can't wait to be home in NY with the rest of my family. I'm so glad my mom could be down here with me but I need to be as far away from this place as possible in order to have the time go fast.

Cheers to this year. "This is gunna make us stronger, it's gunna make love last longer."

I Love You Papa Bear<3
Your girls miss you.

Update

Update. These hormones are killing me. All I have to do is think about my husband leaving in a couple days and I ball my eyes out for a straight hour. It doesn't help that His things are packed right next to the bed so I'm constantly reminded of it. I have been dealing with this all so well until baby girl was born. I can't help but wonder if these hormones are making me a wreck or it I've finally just lost control and let it all spill out.

I'm completely terrified. How is someone, anyone, supposed to go an entire year without their husband? Especially with a new baby. I'm thankful that I made the decision to move home so I can be around our families and have support but I still can't help feeling completely alone right now.

He was asked yesterday if he wanted to only go for 6 months. For a second my heart literally stopped beating until he told me he said no. At first I wanted to smack him but then he explained that if he only went 6 months there would be a really good chance he would be sent again next year. That means we'd have to go through all the training and late nights and pre deployment hoo ha again plus another 6 month absence. So I guess I'm glad he said no but I'm still not looking forward to this year.

It seriously makes me sick to think about sending him away for a year. I'm thankful that he didn't miss Abigail's birth and he has had at least a week with her but it makes me so sad to think about him being gone for a year of our lives.

I think this is the weakest I have ever let any of you know I am. But that's where I stand.

Terrified, slightly depressed, and really needing my husband to stay home instead.

And yes, I'm still crying.  

What the hell!

So why can't pregnant women or moms get a break? I just went through 9 months of hell and now I have to endure the pain that comes along with breastfeeding. Are you seriously kidding me with this?

It feels like my nipples are being sawed off when she eats. I don't think her latch is wrong but maybe. Then this whole engorgement business. My boobs are not only ginormous but they are incredibly painful. My left boob is so engorged that my daughter can't feed. My areola is hard and pulled my nipple inward slightly making it difficult for her to latch on.

It's pure hell. I started pumping a little out of my left boob to get the swelling down and make my nipple protrude enough for her to latch. That seems to work, sometimes. Today my nipples hurt so bad that I literally sat there and balled my eyes out while she ate. I ended up pumping my left boob into a bottle and fed her that way because not only would she not latch on that side but it was sooo painful.

Now since pumping is still breast milk it seems like it would be the ideal situation. No. Pumping still hurts my nipples. It's extremely time consuming, you have to warm the bottles before feedings, and it's nowhere near as convenient as just giving her a boob.

I don't know what to do. Everyone says the pain passes but it's not like it's even a bearable discomfort. It's straight up worse than being sliced open for a c section.

I don't want to switch to formula but I don't think I can handle this much longer.

Help :-(

Introducing my beautiful daughter

I am finally home from the hospital as of 10:30 am this morning. The surgery went flawlessly and my recovery has already proven to be speedy and not as painful as I expected (knock on wood). I went into the operating room at 7:54 am and Abigail was born at 8:17 am on March 2, 2011. She weighed in at 6 lbs 14 oz and was 19 3/4 inches long. She had a little respiratory problem right away but it straightened itself out before she even left the OR.

I was up walking around that evening which helped a lot with my recovery time and pain. I moved myself from the recovery room bed to the bed I would be staying in. Everyone said they couldn't believe how much I could do on my own already. My husband just said I was hard headed. I'll take either haha.

But enough about me. Here are some pictures of miss Abigail Yvonne Sykes.

Signature

Thanks to Jenn over at My Life So Far I have a new signature!! Thankfully there are people out there who actually aren't completely incompetent in how to make pretty designs on the computer. haha.

Thanks Jenn!

TOMORROW!!!

Tomorrow morning at 6:30 AM I will be arriving at the hospital for my c section! :-) If all goes smoothly the doctor said we should have our baby girl by 7:30! A quick slice, grab and sew and it's all done!

Sure the recovery is going to be a million times worse than a natural birth but at least I wont have to wait too long to meet our little girl!!

I can't wait to share pictures with you all so stay posted because I'm sure they will be on here either later tomorrow night or Thursday.

I'm going to be a mommy tomorrow!!! :-) YAY!

Oh. In the mean time... does anyone want to make me a cute signature? I have no idea how to do those and I would love one :-) It just has to say Mrs. Sykes and be as creative as you want to be :-)

I will love you forever :-)

Talk to you soon!