Thursday, November 18, 2010

I've held it together, until now

We found out months and months ago about my husbands upcoming deployment. I have been a complete champ about it until recently.

I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or because it's right around the corner but all I can do lately is cry and be worried. It gets worse and worse every day. I'm having nightmares where I can't find him and where he leaves.

I know that there have been women to go through this and make it out. I know that one of my favorite blogging ladies is just about to end her year long deployment with her man and I feel like that should inspire me, but it terrifies me.

I mean it's an entire year. 2011 until 2012. I'm not scared about being a temporary single mom for a year. Well I am but not because I'm scared of having to take care of her all by myself or anything like that. I'm terrified that she wont have a bond with her dad and he wont have a bond with her once he comes home. There is a very high chance that my husband wont be home when Abigail is born. If he misses the birth of our first child will he still have a connection with her? When he comes home after a year will he automatically feel the love for her that dads do? I mean she will be a year old. All I keep hearing is how important the first year is for growth and bonding. My husband isn't an emotional person to begin with. he's cried maybe 3 times the entire time I've known him, he holds all of his feelings inside (getting better with that though), and he doesn't really show excitement all that well.

I know he is happy we are having a baby but I feel really awful because I feel like he would be 10 times happier if we were having a boy. I know I married a man and not a woman. Sometimes I have to take a step back and make sure I'm not expecting impossible things from him. It's hard to explain when you aren't able to experience it first hand.

I guess it might be partially my fault. I always get scenarios in my head of how I think things should go and when they don't I feel like there is some huge problem. Like when I got pregnant I automatically thought about how when he came home he would pick me up and just tell me how happy he was. Instead we didn't even talk about it and he just sat there and watched tv until I brought it up.

I figured once Abigail started kicking and moving around he would have his hands all over my belly trying to feel her move like I hear so many other wives tell me their husbands do, but he didn't. When I finally got his hand on my tummy when she kicked his response was "Are you happy now?" He thought I was doing that for me. That was like a huge punch in the face realization.

When we went to my friend's baby shower last Saturday the girls stayed inside and did our thing while our husbands went outside by the fire and drank. One of the husbands already has a daughter who was there and the girl having the shower is having a girl and both of those guys you can just feel their excitement about having a baby, and even more about having a baby girl. That killed me. I knew right then that I wasn't asking too much because what I was asking for was just excitement and I could clearly see that it was possible.

I guess that is what is messing me up so much lately. I have to not only worry about my husband being in Afghanistan for a year but I also have this constant worry that I've disappointed him right before he left by having a girl and not a boy. I know it sounds ridiculous and probably makes my husband seem like this awful person, which he's not. But I can't help but feel like this when he doesn't make me feel any other way.

I hear how once first time dads hold their baby girl for the first time every wish for a boy is dropped and they are wrapped around her little finger. But what if he doesn't get to hold her when she's born? How am I supposed to go a year thinking he would love his daughter more if she was a boy?

I really just needed to get all of this out. I don't know what to do or if I'm ridiculous for thinking all of this but I'm sick of holding it inside so there ya go.

If you made it this far you should seriously get an award or something. Thanks for reading.

I Love You Mr. Sykes<3
You too Abigail<3

Semper Fi<3


  1. My husband did two back to back deployments from Iraq to Afghanistan the first two years of Keira's life. He left when I was 11 weeks pregnant, came home when she was 3 weeks old, was around for about 5 months of her life, and then deployed again. He came home when she was 16 months old, and is such a daddy's girl. At three years old, I get, "I want daddy to bring me to bed!" Or "I want daddy to get me out of the car!" She will know who her daddy is when he comes home, and it may take a few weeks to adjust to having him around, but she will soon be on his lap, wrapping his hand around her little fingers. :)

    I know that it is a scary time right now, being pregnant and impending a deployment. I too, broke down when a fellow spouse, (me being new to deployments at the time) gave me the harsh realization that the Marine Corps was not going to send him home to experience the delivery. When the time came to deliver her, I did.

    Wrap yourself with close military spouses. I honestly didn't know the power of friendship until that first deployment. It makes the days go by quicker, and you will build a strong bond like no other.

    I hope this helps! :)

  2. Thank you so much! This really makes me feel better. It helps knowing that other women have been where I am and have made it through this. I know it's normal to be scared so I just try to remind myself that I married this man and his faults. I know that he is a little quirky but that he has so much love to give. Sometimes a girl just needs to see it though.

    Thank you though. I really appreciate it so much.

  3. I can sit here and pour my heart out to you for hours but I wont put you through that haha.

    I have been here, done that, not quite finished it yet...blah blah blah, what is important though is that you just keep that head up and keep on going for you, for your husband and for Abigail because she is aware of all of your emotions right now. Partly, I think you are being a typical pregnant girl and overthinking things, we all do that!

    my hubby and I went through the same things before he left- he wanted his way and all of the attention because he was deploying. I wanted things my way and all of the attention because I was pregnant. We were battling for power and butting heads. I think neither person in this situation can think clearly and one day in the future youre going to look back and be like ooohhhh that was totally normal considering the circumstances.

    A baby girl is scary for Dads and completely unknown but no matter when he sees her or holds her for the first time he is going to love her and she will love him because you will have raised her to be a strong and happy little girl. my hubby spent ten days with Baby Girl before leaving again and he has days where he struggles with it. He says everyone else is so excited to get back to their childen and he doesnt really feel that excitement for madison because he doesn't know her and he feels like he is missing out on that bond. I do know though that a few weeks after he is back she is going to be an alllll out Daddy's girl and he is going to be wanting to skip work to stay home with her!

    I guess I am pouring my heart out huh?! Haha anyway, what I wanted to say isssss, your husband will stay safe, you will keep growing and being the best baby mama possible, you will cry and you will laugh but you will all reap the rewards of being a happy family whenever that may be. Thinking of you girlie : )

  4. Ugh you made me cry! haha. It means so much hearing all of that from you because you are going through what we will be going through. Thank you so much for setting an amazing example and letting me know it's all possible and going to be ok.

  5. I know you have probably heard this by now but try not to worry too much about the deployment and treasure the time you have with him. The deployment will strengthen your relationship with him and don't worry about him not being connected to your daughter. He's loved her just as much as you have since you found out you were pregnant. He will be so excited to see her when he comes back and I'm sure there will be an incredible bond. Try not to stress out too much, everything will work out and they will both have a great relationship!

  6. Awe sweetie I think these are all valid feelings! Try talking to him about it all love :)

  7. I have talked to him about it, several times. He just always says I promise I am excited and gets lovey dovey for a second or two.


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