Friday, April 1, 2011

I don't know.

I have no idea where this post is going to go I just feel like I need to write.

Today is April 1. That means that tomorrow Abigail turns one month old and we are very close to checking one month off this deployment already. There isn't really anything bad I can say about that. This month has flown by and I really hope that is how every month will go.

Do you ever feel like tiny little people live in the radio and play the music? Well if so then mine are cruel. There are some days when all you want to do is cry your eyes out but certainly not when you are driving down the road.

Today my little radio people decided to play If You're Reading This by Tim McGraw. Jerks. If you haven't heard this song then you can go look it up. I'd bring it here for you but I really don't even want to think about it again. It hits way too close to home and easily made me cry.

I guess that's all part of this though. Unfortunately I happen to be a country music buff so I have to put up with hearing songs that remind me of how sad I am right now constantly. I think it's actually a country music law to pull the heart strings of the listeners. I can't really complain though. Music is supposed to move you and country music excels at it.

I've always been a sucker for a guy who can sing. It's a curse and a blessing that my husband has an incredible voice. I love listening to him sing in the car but now that he isn't here all I can think about when I'm driving is how I wish he was next to me singing along to the radio.

This deployment is hard. There's a constant sting to my heart. I carry myself well and rarely break down and cry but that doesn't mean I'm not hurting. One thing that really sucks is when people ask me how I'm doing. I don't understand why people can't think before they speak. If there is one question that no one wants to be asked when they are hurting it's if they are ok or not. Well I was until you asked that and now I'm doing horrible as you can see from the tears pouring down my face.

That's what happened today with that song. I was doing perfectly fine with it until my mom asked me if I wanted her to change it. I was telling myself that if I can get through this song without a break down that I really am a strong woman. As soon as she asked that I let myself feel the lyrics and my heart shattered.

Don't get me wrong, I really am doing fine. I'm confident that this deployment wont break me and I know that it will eventually end. But I am a female and unfortunately that means my emotions have a mind of their own.

Lately Aber dabers (my nick name for Abigail) has been really fussy. It seems like she wants to be held by everyone but me. That really sucks. She has no problem crying in my arms but as soon as she switches to someone elses hands she stops and is completely content.

It's the same at night time. Anyone else can put her to sleep but if I lay her down in her crib she wakes up and starts crying. I try really hard not to let myself get frustrated but when I'm up with her for a couple hours at night trying to get her to go to sleep it's a real struggle. Luckily last night she went to sleep at midnight and slept all night until 6:30. So even though it was a struggle to get her to sleep it paid off with a long slumber.

Shes definitely transitioning into her more awake and alert phase. Its great watching her change but it makes me sad that I cant share this with her daddy.

I miss him. A lot.

I think this is long enough. I'll write again soon.

1 comment:

  1. I was just thinking about how I tend to start listening to more country songs when I'm sad...

    Hope the deployment flies by fast.


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